Death of my Mare

A few days ago my mare who was about 20 years old died. I had to put her down with a 22. Now I remember when I bought her at an auction. My step dad took me to the auction and let me bid. I was in my late teens at the time. I bid on the first two sets of teams coming through the ring and was the high bidder at around 2000$ per team. But after the bidding stopped on each team the owner didn’t think he wanted to part with the teams for that low price. Before the third team came out I was so in the rabbit hole that I had to ask my step dad to tell me what I bid on the last team . Then a pair of mares came out and I bid up to 1800$ and bought them. Mandy (the mare who just died) was one of the mares. I trained the team and was there for when each of them had a foal. And even milked them by hand when I took them away from the farm and their foals to pick up corn at other Amish farms. I spent years in the field with these horses until Mandy’s mate died and then I used Mandy for many years after that.



So the other day she didn’t come back to the barn and I had to go into the woods to find her. She had laid down and couldn’t get up so I tried to move her into a better position but she was just not going to be able to get up. At this point I felt I had to stop her suffering, or my suffering. At that point I couldn’t tell the difference. I think when you love, you create an opening for the suffering of the world to enter your life. And so my mom, step day and I were there when I put the gun to her head and pulled the trigger. It was a very sacred moment for all of us and when she stopped breathing, the pain and suffering stopped for all of us. And when I walked away the conviction of,”WE WILL MEET AGAIN GIRL” reverberated through my being.

Spiritual relationships in Cyber Space

Having relationships on line is fun but the effects of computer relationships can leak through to your real physical life. We know this is true for romantic relationships but it is also true for spiritual relationships.




I was involved in a spiritual relationship with a guy who could send amazing amounts of energy through this computer. We both just kept getting higher and higher. I would leave the computer and the buzz would still be happening all day long. Finally I told him I thought we were very high on the mountain and the fall would be disastrous if either one of us were to make a mistake.



He was having a physical relationship with a girl who he got pregnant and right at this time she had a miscarriage. He was devastated and our relationship came to an end.



Then a few months later he turned up on my computer and we started our spiritual relationship again. I told him the world would come for anyone who got too close to me if he wasn't spiritually pure enough. So finally I had to stop the relationship before anything bad happened in his life again.

What to do with a man who is a selfish slob

 I read a blog the other day by a woman who wrote a dissertation proving her ex-husband was a selfish, inconsiderate slob.  And after reading her post I had to agree with her.  Although most of us who are of the female persuasion, realize most men fall into this category, more or less.  What we don't know is what to do about this fact of life.  In the case of this woman who wrote the blog, she decided to leave the slob and never look back.  So I left a comment which in effect said that she did indeed marry the slob for better or worse and maybe there were things to learn about this situation she found herself in.  And I asked if she thought leaving him was the answer to her problems.  She answered back right away and said the yes, she had solved her problems by leaving him.

  And many women feel this way.  So now I ask all women who take this way out, will you live alone or will you try to find a man who isn't a selfish slob?  Living alone for a woman can be hell in our culture.  There is lots of pressure to find a man to take care of us.  So occasionally I succumb to the pressure and find a boyfriend who I know in my heart will turn out to be a selfish slob if given a chance to show his true colors.  But I've come to the conclusion that I shouldn't let that stop me.  I try to relate in a loving way which usually brings out the worst in a selfish man who is a slob.  But the answer really isn't to leave them, the answer is to keep loving them until they can't stand it anymore and leave you.  For example, I've had occasions where men would yell at me for a long period of time calling me all kinds of unpleasant names and I would respond with something like, "I am not a phucking whore, I am a child of God."  You just can't imagine what this does to your average self-centered slob.  If he can't stop you from loving him, then for sure he will be the one to leave the relationship and then when you pick your next man you will have a better chance of finding someone who isn't as bad.  I'm not saying you're going to find Mr Right, I'm just saying you may find Mr Not so Scary.

God and the Cattle Hauler

I remember being on the phone with this cattle dealer who was very upset with me because I trucked some heifers with someone else. He was in the habit of dorking with me whenever he had the chance, so I didn't feel bad for him at all. I took the phone away from my ear while he was calling me all kinds of nasty horrible things, and I said, "This isn't God." and hung up. Now he knew I always have a need to truck cattle and he basically was the only game in town and we both felt that I needed him and that's why he could be mean to me if he felt like it. But in spite of my need, I had effectively pissed him off to the point where he would never come back.


  One of his favorite ways of dorking with me was to grab my ass while nobody was looking and on all of these occasions I held back from slapping his face because I didn't want to make a scene where the dairy would be without a cattle hauler. But finally, my hanging up on him pretty much gave him the message that I was not going to take anymore of his crap. My mom and the Amish boy who works for us were very upset with the fact that now we had no way of moving our animals. But my step dad knew one way or another he would handle the situation if I couldn't. Which didn't make me feel any better because I always feel like sh*t when he picks up the pieces of what I couldn't handle. Anyways I told everyone that if the dairy needed an idiot like that then it didn't deserve to keep running. That may have been true but it didn't make anyone any happier. So you stand up for what you know is right but the applause meter reads very low and you end up with a whole lot of stress for bumming out the people you care about. But it always comes down to this no matter who you are or what you are doing. You take a step toward freedom, or truth or love and you suffer for it. And if you say in your heart, "I hope I don't lose this or that," you're pretty much screwed. You have to wake up everyday and say to yourself or anyone who will listen,"I rather have nothing than let that idiot grab my ass anytime he wants." And after a little more suffering or sometimes a lot more suffering the material world will crack and God will take that cattle dealer out of your life and provide for your material needs. For sure this will happen. This is not a prayer to God which goes unanswered most of the time. This is a set of circumstances that will happen 100% of the time. The material world will crack when confronted with a strong pure mind with a just cause.

Is Writing worth while

I go back and forth on this issue.  Mostly people want to be entertained and that includes me.  But I find if I write with the idea of trying to entertain, then my writing doesn't flow and it becomes work trying get people off.  So I write mostly because it feels good to drag my thoughts up from the depth of my being and present them to the world for what they are worth.  Generally the feed back tells me that not many people are interested in my deepest thoughts.  Often times they don't even understand what I'm trying to say.  But I keep writing anyway and if I start getting upset because I'm not getting enough attention then I know I'm placing too much value on what people think and not enough value on the experience of writing down my thoughts without attachment.  And for me this is always my goal, to come to the surface with my thoughts and desires without attachment. 

  Lately I'm doing this kindle blogging for money.  (I get 30 cents for each subscription and believe me I haven't gotten rich yet)  But writing for money is just one more way attachment sneaks up on you and tries to get you excited about making money or bummed out if you don't make any.  So I only write when the energy feels good and then once in a while somebody reads what I wrote and shares the good energy I put into my writing, and I am content with this.

My Old Mare

 I was out in the woods today with my wagon and team of older horses.  The mare is 20 plus years old and the gelding is just a little younger.  Now this is very old for horses but when you spend a lot of time with a horse, it is really hard to sell her and buy a young horse which you know will give you more trouble than she's worth for a few years until she is trained to fit into your program.  Some horses never get really trained and you have to put up with their bad habits for as long as you own them. 

  So last week my old mare fell down in the stall and had a lot of trouble getting up because the floor was slippery.  I had to get my truck and pull her to the door where she pushed herself out onto the dirt yard where her back legs were able to dig into the ground and she was able to get herself up.  She was however stiff from thrashing around in the stall so I didn't use her until today to see if she was still able to pull her own weight around here.  Well she did fall again but it was mostly my fault because I was backing her where she tripped over some rotting wood.  I unhitched her and told her to get up and she did.  Then I put her back on the wagon, loaded up some wood and she did fine bringing the wood back to the wood pile.

  So twice now within a matter of a week I got to watch an animal, whom I love, teeter on the brink of death.  Now this kind of experience makes one feel very vulnerable.  We try to minimize the pain and vulnerability by thinking I can buy another horse or shit happens.  But with love we become aware of the fact that everything and everybody is not replaceable.  You just feel the loss between you and the object you love until your karmic debt is paid.  And that karmic debt is paid in time and distance between you and the next object you need to project your love onto.  In this case my horse got up and our relationship continued after only a few minutes of extreme suffering on my part.  But this suffering, which happens when a love object is taken away, can last years sometimes.   And this is why many people do not let themselves love.  But love is the only reality, everything else is illusion.

Finding Babaji

This is a story I really love;



Finding Babaji

On another occasion Babaji’s sacred circle was disturbed by the arrival of a stranger. He had climbed with astonishing skill to the nearly inaccessible ledge near the camp of the master.

“‘Sir, you must be the great Babaji.’ The man’s face was lit with inexpressible reverence. ‘For months I have pursued a ceaseless search for you among these forbidding crags. I implore you to accept me as a disciple.’

“When the great guru made no response, the man pointed to the rocky chasm at his feet.

“‘If you refuse me, I will jump from this mountain. Life has no further value if I cannot win your guidance to the Divine.’

“‘Jump then,’ Babaji said unemotionally. ‘I cannot accept you in your present state of development.’

“The man immediately hurled himself over the cliff. Babaji instructed the shocked disciples to fetch the stranger’s body. When they returned with the mangled form, the master placed his divine hand on the dead man. Lo! he opened his eyes and prostrated himself humbly before the omnipotent one.

“‘You are now ready for discipleship.’ Babaji beamed lovingly on his resurrected chela. ‘You have courageously passed a difficult test. Death shall not touch you again; now you are one of our immortal flock.’ Then he spoke his usual words of departure, ‘Dera danda uthao’; the whole group vanished from the mountain.

This is a commentary by a friend of mine who also lives in the the rabbit hole;



Yes sireee Beloved Princess Now we’re talking…

Babaji is our Boogey Board on which we ride, and regardless of whether we paddle along on endless calm or Shoot the gnarliest Tube on earth, it is Babaji which supports and sustains all our activities. And should we get caught in a WIPEOUT, rest assured, our Babaji Board is attached with a Short Cord and doesn’t get far away… So bring on the Waves, all your polar fluxing duality, and shoot me high or crash me down either way there is between the energy and myself always the old reliable Babaji Board… You can come on Safari with me, but I’m already there, which is why I am able to Invite You along…