Friday, August 7, 2015
My mother gave birth to me at age 32. My father was and is a real loser and to this day she regrets having had a child with him. But she felt time was running out and if she didn't get pregnant soon it would be too late for her. She was married to the idiot so I guess at the time it seemed like a good idea. She pretty much brought me up alone while my father spent his time and money on drinking and drugs. It was very hard on her for about three years and then my future step dad came into our lives and everything changed.
He looked like a hippie with long hair and a beard and was just traveling around when he came across my dad in a bar. They hit it off right away because my step dad, Tom, was into spirituality and my dad, Fred, was pretending to be spiritual at the time. So one day Fred took Tom over to meet the wife and kid (me, I was under 5 years old at the time) Well my mom, Kate, and Tom formed this incredible bond at first sight which has lasted over 30 years now. Fred could read the writing on the wall so he told Tom that having a wife and child was interfering with his spiritual life and he wanted out. So he asked Tom if he would take care of us. He said yes he would and that's how it all started.
Now my mom was the manager of a recording studio just down the road and my dad worked there too, on the grounds. So naturally my mom got Tom a job there taking care of the horses which were there to entertain the rock stars who came to the country side recording studio. Now the owner of the studio, Ralph, was your average good looking, rich playboy type, who pretty much got into the pants of every female who came to Windy Hill Farm, the name of the recording studio. He of course wanted to have sex with my mom but I think she was the only female on the place that didn't go to bed with him. The more she said no the more he wanted her, so he had one of his female minions make a play for Fred hoping that would break up the marriage. It came as no surprise that Fred fell for the ruse and had a sexual encounter with this girl and this was why Fred wanted out of his marriage to my mom.
But unfortunately for Ralph, Tom and my mom were an item by then. So Ralph told his female minion that she didn't need to have sex with Fred because he was pretty much out of the picture. So when she broke off with Fred, he went over to Tom and said he wanted his wife and kid back. Like I said at the beginning of this story, my dad was and is one of the biggest losers I've ever come in contact with. Anyway Tom told him it was too late because the relationship had progressed to the point where people would be hurt if it ended now. So my mom and Tom left the recording studio and got married. They bought a herd of cows from a neighbor and started milking cows together for a living.
My mom had to go to legal aid in order to get divorced from Kent and of course Kent wanted joint custody of me. My mom agreed but when she went to court and the judge heard all the gory details, he insisted that she have full custody over me. Now Kent didn't go to the court hearing so he didn't know what happened and nobody went out of their way to tell him. So about a year later my mom was milking a cow we had bought from someone and the cow kicked her and she had to go to the hospital. While she was in the hospital, Kent showed up at the farm with the girl who was Gil's minion and took me away from Dennis and brought me into Gil's world again. Then Kent told my mom that in order to see me she would have to clear it with Nancy, Gil's female minion. But when Kathy returned from the hospital, Dennis called up legal aid and explained what happened. The girl at legal aid wanted to know if my mom wanted Kent taken directly to jail or to see a judge first. Needless to say, Kent took me right back to my mom and Dennis. Unfortunately this tug of war was having disastrous effects on me.
As I grew up on a dairy farm with my mother and step dad, mostly things were normal. My mom loved me and I loved her and we both worked very hard with my step dad to keep the dairy business running. At first I really wasn't all that happy living with a herd of cows. The hard work wasn't so bad after you got used to it, but what gave me the hardest time was going to school smelling like a cow. It would be terrible on the school bus when everyone would tease me and not come near me because I smelled so bad. I got in the habit of taking a bath everyday but all I had to do is step in the barn for morning chores and the kids on the bus and in school would know and make me feel like a freak. You would think that after awhile they would get tired of picking on me for the same stupid reason, but noooo, the teasing went on forever with no end in sight.
So one morning while my step dad was filling up the manure spreader he happened to look my way and saw that I was crying. He asked why and I told him I really didn't want to face the kids at school today and I told him why. He then took my hand and led me to his pick-up truck and off we went to talk to the principal at school.
I did appreciate what he was trying to do for me but he still had on his farm clothes and his barn boots were thick with manure. But when we got to the school he took my hand and led me down the school corridor to the principal’s office. On the way the school kids went absolutely crazy holding their noses, making choking sounds and pressing themselves against the wall to get as far away from us as possible as we walked by. I was sure my step dad was leaving manure foot prints behind as we made our way to the principal’s office.
We opened the door and walked into a small receptionist room. When my dad shut the door behind us the smell of manure was so thick you could cut it with a knife, The secretary looked up from her paperwork with a look of horror on her face. My dad told her we were here to see the principal and she immediately got up, opened the door to the principal’s office, went in, and slammed it shut. I knew she was in there trying to figure out a way to get rid of us as fast as possible.
But then a strange thing happened. I was at the absolute lowest point of my entire life when I looked into my step-dads' eyes. He was looking at me and I could feel his love pouring into me and replacing all the pain I was experiencing. He was smiling and I could tell that none of what was going on in this school mattered to him at all. I was the only person who mattered to him. And then for the first time in my life I let myself love him back and smiled. He then took my hand and we left the school.
The kids continued to tease me for awhile after that but it didn't seem to bother me anymore. And then a miracle happened. They stopped teasing me.
And so I fell in love with my step dad. What that did to my life was amazing. At first it was more or less a parent child love but as time went on and I went deeper into his mind I became aware of the world on a deeper level. I began to understand that there was a mystical element to our dairy farm as well as the business angle. Most of us accept the money which comes into our lives without understanding how it was materialized. We never see that we either make our living out of love or fear. The ego and intellect can only use fear to create money. When one does it through love one must use one’s soul and it is very frightening for the ego and intellect.
I came to understand that love for each other and love for the cows is what kept our world intact. The money or things we needed to keep the farm running would always materialize as long as we didn’t give in to fear. At first living in my step dad’s mind was very comforting but then I would see circumstances start to form which I felt would crush us and I would become afraid. I was unable to overcome the fear until at last my step dads’ mind would turn the certain disaster I saw coming for us into the illusion that it really was. It became harder and harder for me to enter his mind because always the part of me which wasn’t anchored in love would be eliminated through mental pain. Then I learned to have faith in the power of love to materialize what I needed.
Unfortunately, my bio father, Kent, didn't forget about me. He went back to court and got joint custody of me and took me away from the work on the farm every chance he got. Having little or no help on the farm caused an enormous amount of stress on my mom and step dad, until one day it was too much and the barn caught fire and burned to the ground. We are surrounded by Amish and they all showed up and helped us move our cows and animals into their barns. Then when things cooled down, they started taking away the old burned barn and started building us a new barn. Now when the new barn was finished and we started milking in it, the Amish foreman thought it would be a good idea if his 16 year old son came to help us with the farm work.
David, the foreman's son, showed up and even at 16 made a great difference in our lives and especially mine. He was as dedicated to the farm and the cows as I was and we would work together day in and day out. It was wonderful! I got to the point where I was so grateful that I would do anything for him. He had about 15 brothers and sisters so he didn’t get much attention growing up so I became a big part of his life and he mine.
I remember going to Walmart with him and realizing that he had never been in a big store like that and started to get really nervous to the point where I had to take him outside. That’s how pure he was.
After a few years he got married and brought his wife to live on the farm too. But our relationship didn’t change. We were still dedicated to the cows and making the dairy work was the most important thing to us.
One night I dreamt that some kind of monster was attacking the farm and I tried to stop it but it was too strong for me and then David came and overcame the monster. But then as the monster ran away, he went after it and in the dream I had the feeling he wasn’t coming back. That killing this monster was his destiny. I woke up knowing that he was about to leave me.
Well the night before he left I woke up from a sound sleep because the house was filling up with smoke. Now I usually just sleep with a T-shirt and ran down to the wood stove in the basement without stopping to put more on. Our houses are connected in the basement and David had also smelled the smoke and came running down. It turned out to be just a stove pipe had come lose and it was soon fixed. But as we looked at each other I felt something I had never felt before. I felt for the first time that I wanted to give myself completely to a man. It didn’t happen of course but I guess I’m still waiting to feel like that again to the person I marry.
I was very attracted to Amish boys after David left and during haying season I work with a hay crew of 3 or 4 Amish boys. We've been doing this for years and to the Amish boys I'm just one of the guys. But I know and I'm sure their mothers know I'm not. And I must confess that I do get distracted by sweaty Amish boys. Nevertheless, so far my discipline has held and we all seem to work well together. What is interesting is that they don't get distracted by me. There is a single minded focus of getting the job done which I am able to tune into when I overcome my distractions. Now none of us are getting paid by the hour for this work. The only reward is the chance to do it again tomorrow. And yet when we reach this level of consciousness whatever resistance we encounter gets overcome and there is a great amount of satisfaction gained by the experience.
On a metaphysical level living on this consciousness level puts you out of the reach of the greedy power freaks of the world. You make so many bales of hay, so much corn silage, ship so much milk and the people in control of the money can't seem to lower your consciousness. They try but you are truly free of them