A Resume

A resume tends to define a person.   Usually we list all our job positions, our qualifications, and accomplishments with the hope to sell ourselves to the highest bidder.  But this resume defines my life from a different perspective, with the hope of selling nothing to anybody.  It's just me looking back over the events that stand out in my life and are important to me.

  I was exposed to school but nothing stands out in my mind about the experience and not a whole lot was taken away from it.   What does stand out is the first time I fell in love.  I really fell head over heels for a guy and all the other important things in my life up to that point became meaningless.  Everyone in my world was totally grossed out by my new priority and consequently the world as I knew it fell away from me.  I lived in the consciousness of this first love and found it to be a real roller coaster ride.  I put him first in my life but he was un-willing or un-able to put me first and so one day I came crashing back to earth.  All my family and friends who I knew before I fell in love were not there to pick me up and tell me everything was going to be alright.  I ended up homeless and on the road with a back-pack full of everything I owned at the time.  I wandered around shell shocked like this for about a year before I fell in love again.

 By this time my spiritual awareness had taken a tremendous turn for the better.  I never compromised with the crap of the world and was determined to die rather than live without love.  So love came into my life in a way that I couldn't say no to even if I wanted.  This time I had nobody in my life to object to this love affair, but his world hated the idea of having their son mixed-up with a hobo girl.  But this time he stuck by me and I helped him materialize just about anything he wanted because I had no attachments of my own. 

  And so it goes still.  I am still in love and still materializing our world through love and the outside world is doing everything it can to stop us.  But because I spent my life trying not to play games, I have become the best game player around.  The world doesn't blatantly attack me anymore.  It keeps it's distance and waits for an opening in the hopes of eliminating a witness who sees through it's illusions.

Genghis Khan

Genghis Khan attacked an army of about 100,000 men with about 20,000 of his own men. So just before the larger army encircled his army and wiped them out, Genghis led his men on horses across the desert. Then the leader of the larger army sent half of his men after them, about 50,000 men. And so the chase began. Genghis and his men rode all that day with 50,000 of the enemy in hot pursuit. They rode all that night always keeping the enemy a safe distance behind. They rode all the next day and sometimes slowed up to eat and even some fell asleep in the saddle. Still the enemy pursued. All that night they kept riding and into the next day. Sometimes a man or two would fall from his horse and be trampled to death but near the end of the third day, Genghis gave the order to stop and face his enemy. Well by this time the 50,000 men who were chasing him could barely sit their horses anymore and were only a rag-tag army because the three day chase had exhausted both men and horses. Genghis and his men were the most hardened soldiers the world has ever seen and at that point he gave the order to charge and his army massacred his arrogant pursuers..



Likewise in my life there are people who have been following me with evil intent. I have led a hard disciplined life partly to stay out of the clutches of my arrogant enemies. Lately I have stopped and turned around to face my enemies. And what I see before me are people whose lives have been decimated in one way or another by life itself. I don’t even need to attack, they aren’t worth the bother anymore.

Materializing Desires

Well enough said about bad dates for now.  These last few posts are begging the question,"why do these horrid circumstances come into my life when all I want is to find someone who will return my love."  I think this question can apply to all of us who gaze on our own circumstances and wonder, WTF happened.  Basically there are two reasons for our lives to turn out less rewarding and meaningful than we had hoped.

  The first reason happens because our desires are low level.  By low level I mean we are attempting to materialize thoughts which are out of harmony with the virtues of love, freedom, truth, justice, etc.  When we come to understand that the desire to make money at any cost, for example, will eventually lead us to suffering, then we can elevate our thinking to desire the things we need which will enable us to proceed down the path of enlightenment.  When you get to the point in your life where the drama of your existence appears to you as a loss of all material possessions and even your physical life, and your only desire is to do the right thing, then you have mastered this first hurdle toward overcoming the pain of this world.

  The next hurdle is even harder to master.  The other way we bring pain and suffering into our world is through our relationship with other people.  We give them our consent to materialize what they want in our life for whatever reasons.  Like for example at our job, where we have to open up to the boss in order to keep working and keep earning money to pay our bills.  But what I'm saying here is when told to do a task which you know in your heart is not right for you, then you must refuse, even if it means losing your job.  If you do what you know is wrong because you are afraid of getting fired, then circumstances will develop in your life to cause pain and suffering.  If you do right in spite of the bad consequences your intellect is forecasting, then circumstances will configure to bring about peace and harmony in your life.  Sounds simple and easy.  Then why are there so few people alive who are living their lives by what they think is right?

Keeping the world at Bay

 So I thought that after spending all my life in a school classroom listening to somebody up front filling my head with things I needed to know, I would graduate and the world would welcome me back with open arms.  Not true.  The world still didn't give a damn about me.  So here I am in this go nowhere, low level job at a chick hatchery scrapping chicken shit off of the incubator trays where they were hatched from.  Fortunately I can maintain a pretty high level of conscious awareness no matter what kind of situation I find myself in.  But my fellow workers aren't so gifted.  They usually spend their time in this washroom on a bummer that doesn't quit.  And they are always very verbal about how badly they are feeling.  Sometimes I take pity on them and try to raise their conscious awareness level by telling them how fortunate they are to be engaged in such high priority essential work.  After awhile I get them to smile and feel better about scrapping chicken droppings off the trays until the boss comes in and yells at us to make himself feel more important at our expense.  And then everybody falls back into their bummer, mentality, except me.

  The boss knows he can't get to me but he just can't figure out why I'm not afraid of him.  You would think that this would get him angry, but nooo.  The fact that he can't get to me only makes him like me even more and want to get into my pants if at all possible.  This happens to me alot when I stand up to men, it brings out the lust in them.  Now I don't do this as part of a sex game.  I genuinely keep them out of my mind because I know that once a control freak enters your mind, the next step is to get into your jeans. 

 But it's break time and as I enter the break room I see this new employee sitting on the floor reading a book called,"Autobiography of a Yogi,"  Even though everyone in the room is sitting at a table, I sit down next to him on the floor and tell him that I read that entire book from cover to cover.  We really do seem to have a spiritual link so he asks if he can see me sometime after work.  I'm still a little gun shy about dating men but I feel he's not a control freak or sex fiend so I figure, how bad can it be.

  So I show up at the appointed time in an agreed upon bar.  Kent, my new friend,  has started drinking without me and it seems he's already half in the bag by the time I sit down.  As I nurse my first beer, he keeps downing more beers until I can sense this is not going to have a happily ever after ending.  So I decide it's time for me to leave but as I stand up to go he gets really upset.  He starts yelling and calling me names which I'm kinda used to by now, but what really blind sided me was the amount of psychic emotional energy he was able to assault me with.  My mind reeled and fell back into itself, deeper and deeper into my being to escape this psychic on slot.  Finally my Sue personality fell away and I was pure light at the core of my being.  The darkness, which is the absence of light, disappeared as my inner light reached the surface to find Kent being manhandled by two big guys who must be workers at the bar.  They finally got Kent out the door and threw him onto the sidewalk.

  I went out and helped him up while he kept apologizing to me for being such a jerk in the bar.  I drove him home but didn't go in.  It was a few days later that I found out he had some kind of mental illness which gets triggered when he drinks.  Whatever it was that came at me that day in the bar was one mean, powerful entity.  I hadn't experienced anything like it since the last time I entered my step dad's mind.  His mind is very powerful also, but it isn't evil like the thing that came out of Kent, it's what I call enlightened.

 

Going out on a double date

 I know I really shouldn't give in to the pressure my girl friend puts on me to go out with her and her boy friend on a double date.  She said I could use a little male attention.  We were going to go out to eat at a restaurant and see what developed after.  I never know what to wear because I'm hardly ever out of jeans and a T-shirt or Sweat-shirt.  But tonight I find myself in a skirt and blouse, a bra (so my tits will be pointy and attract attention) and panty hose.  It's been a long time since I looked like this and it feels strange.

 But I guess when you're a girl you have to at least try to make yourself look pretty.  Which is pretty hard for me.  My girl friend Mary, her almost engaged boy friend, and my date, pick me up in front of the house as I run to the car.  Oh I forgot to mention I have on these weird shoes with heels that make it hard to walk and impossible to run.  I do manage to get to the car, however, and just about topple in on top of my date in the back seat.  As we untangle ourselves, I can feel his hand up my skirt as he extricates my body from his.  Great start. 



  He tells me his name is Brad and that I look lovely as I try to pull my skirt down to where my panties don't show.  I tell him that it is nice to meet him, which is the biggest lie I've told in a long time.  Mary looks over at us from the front seat and tells me that I clean up real nice.  I give her a phony smile and tell her how beautiful she looks tonight.  She giggles because she knows I'm just pulling her chain. 



   Then Brad attempts to engage me in small talk on the way to the restaurant.  He wants to know the usual stuff.  Have I ever been married?  Do I have a steady boy friend now?  Do I have any kids?  I tell him no to all the above but don't ask him anything because I just don't care about the women in his life.  I know I should be more friendly but I feel very vulnerable with a skirt on and feel like I need distance between us in order to feel comfortable.  I guess feeling vulnerable is also part of the female trip. 



 We get to the restaurant and even have a few drinks and everyone is hoping that I will relax and go with the flow.  After the meal, Mary's boy friend invites us over to his place for a few more drinks.  I knew this was coming because Mary and her friend are looking like they want to jump into each other pants.  We arrive at Joe's apartment (Joe is Mary's boy friend) and before you can say, "let's make out", Mary and Joe have escaped to Joe’s bedroom, leaving me and Brad on the couch watching television. 



  I admit that I have been called frigid but I don't let that bother me.  I just don't like to touch people who I really don't know and I don't like them to touch me either.  I've already let perfect strangers paw and grab and grope me.  Call me frigid or whatever, but it just doesn't turn me on.  I like to know and like the person who is going to take off my blouse and have his way with me.  I also like to know that I can let the other person know how far I want to go and he would respect my wishes.  Brad was your typical,"lets' go all the way" kind of guy.  But unfortunately for Brad, even though I had on a skirt, I was still stronger than he was from doing all the heavy work I do everyday on the farm.  So I pushed him off of me onto the floor and told him I could probably rape him easier than he could rape me so maybe we'd better do something else.   Of course he got pissed and started yelling at me until Mary and Joe came out of the bedroom in various stages of undress.   They calmed Brad down and thought it best if they drove me home.

   As I stepped out of the car in front of my house, I winked at Mary and said, "Well I guess that went well."