grosbeak

Willing Victim cont.

After hanging up the phone I knew I had to make my move right away before I lost my courage. So I left my biological dad’ in Massachusetts and with a backpack full of all my belongings I started walking down the road. I really didn’t feel I could go back to the farm in Pennsylvania with everyone thinking I was crazy. My step dad knew where I was coming from but you can never just go and physically be with him. In order to reach him, you have to expand your consciousness to his level. And that was exactly what I planned to do or die trying. So I started hitch-hiking to up state New York which is about 300 miles from where I was standing at the moment. I had heard there were lots of apple orchards there and I felt it wouldn’t be hard to get a job picking fruit. After all I was carrying around this official crazy label now so chances are I wasn’t going to make it big in the corporate world. Besides I had done some fruit picking and really liked the purity of the job. You just get paid for the amount of fruit you picked, no fancy resume required.

So I started hitch-hiking and got a ride right away. But by this time it was getting late and the driver asked if I had a place to stay for the night. I told him I had a tent which I could pitch just about anywhere. But he insisted I come home with him and eat something and then he would take me to a beautiful beach where I could pitch my tent. Of course I was scared, but figured my life was in the hands of God at this point so I agreed. So true to his word I found myself in his house, just me and him, eating a meal. I wasn’t really afraid of him or what he might do to me. I’m really good at picking up where people are at and he was just a normal guy. But to my surprise, I found myself very upset because I was lost. I didn’t know how to get back to the main highway and it was freaking me out. I really couldn’t tell if this guy was going to bring me back to the highway again. But he did bring me to the beach as promised, and it was a beautiful site to pitch my tent. I finally got rid of my fear of being lost by realizing my destination of picking fruit was pretty flimsy at best, so I decided I would rethink my destination in the morning if he didn’t show up and bring me to where I could continue my trip.

He did show up the next morning and took me to the entrance of the toll road I needed to take in order to get to the orchards I was traveling to. Unfortunately, they didn’t allow hitch-hikers on the toll road so I had to try to hitch a ride in front of the toll booth where people had to pay to enter this highway. I was standing in back of a sign where someone had spray painted the words,” No rides out of hell hole.” At first I thought it was amusing but after about 5 hours of thumbing, with night time setting in, I understood exactly what the author of this message was telling me. I found some bushes near by and pitched my tent and hoped for better luck in the morning.

But the next day was the same. No ride after another 5 or 6 hours. Finally I snapped and started hitch-hiking in the opposite direction with absolutely no idea as to where I was going. Now I figured this is insanity taking me over again and driving me over the edge into the abyss. Then a truck stopped and I got in and the driver asked me where I was going. That was the most difficult question anyone has ever asked me up to this point. He could see I was having trouble answering him so he told me he was going on the toll road but in the opposite direction that I was trying to go in. So I asked him if he could just get me past the toll booths so I could start hitching from the highway itself. He said sure and after paying his toll, he dropped me off on the road and I crossed over to the other side to continue my journey to find God. If a police car happened by, I would be picked up and made to pay a fine, but instead a car stopped and picked me up and brought me all the way to where I wanted to be,

Willing Victim

I started posting this story and have added to it since. So I guess I'll just keep it going for awhile;



A Willing Victim


I live and work on this dairy farm with my mom and step dad. Mostly my step dad is more a guru to me than a parent and over the years we have attained a high level of conscious awareness together. My biological father, however, is having his mental problems and mostly I go and live with him to help him out mentally as well as do a little work on the horse farm he owns.

This winter my bio father and I got into an argument and I left the ranch and found an apartment and started doing some part time work at McDonalds to make ends meet. Now I'm a very spiritual person and spend a lot of time meditating. Even at the best of times I don't have a lot of attachment to the material world or what most people call the real world. Then one day I found I couldn't break my" trance like" meditative state and was unable to interact with the reality that used to be me. I could view my real world as though I was looking through a thick distorted glass, but I couldn't make contact with it. Now I was able to overcome my fear of death and stay calm but I felt I was trapped on this astral plane type of existence which made me feel very isolated.

Then I became aware of another presence and when it touched my mind I knew it to be my step dad. He was able to leave the material plane and find me here in never never land. He told me that what was happening to me usually happened to someone just before the soul left the illusion of personality and body behind and reincarnated. He thought in my case I would eventually gain control of my body again without going through the messy process of death. In the meantime he explained that my soul was running my body for the purpose of healing my dad which is what I came here to do. In a sense I was a willing victim. And through his mind I could see what was happening to my body on my material plane of existence.

It seems my bio father and his wife decided that I needed psychiatric help and got a lawyer who got a judge to sign a paper allowing my father to come and take me to the funny farm with the help of two policemen. For about a week he showed up at my apartment with the two policemen to drag me away to a mental health facility. But I was never there at the same time the police were, and I was able to elude being captured for awhile.

But eventually I was caught and taken away to the funny farm. I spent a couple of weeks there before they let me go into the loving care of my bio-father. He kept me there as his pet until one day my bio father called.
The telephone rings. I pick it up to discover my step-dad is on the other end.

"Hi sweetheart," I heard his darling voice say over the phone.

"Hi Dad," I replied. "I'm amazed you got me. I feel like I'm in solitary confinement here---no calls and no visitors."

"Well, your father is making a big deal of this situation. He's told your mother that in order to relate to you she has to leave me and come live in Massachusetts."

"What a shit head he can be."

"Nevertheless," my dad continued, “you have to get yourself out of there to stop your mother's pain and shift it onto the people who put this shit sandwich together. I would come and get you myself, but that would give the impression that I'm snatching you away, and this stupid game will start all over again. Best if you walk out the door, stick out your thumb and trust in God.”

“I’m ready for the exit out of here by any means,” I exclaimed.

“That’s good, because there will probably be a lot of resistance to overcome.”

“OK Dad, I’m out of here." I said with as much conviction as I could muster.

Schizophrenia

Schizophrenia

This is a scary word for most people. It means a break with reality. But basically I've found, it's a label put on people who break from their intellect or ego. I find it interesting that everyone believes in schizophrenia but very few really believe in enlightenment. Both are a break from the reality of the intellect and ego but with enlightenment one finds peace and joy from the break while in schizophrenia, one finds confusion and resentment.

So what about the people who don't break from their intellect and ego. Well here's where we have a problem because these people always end up as either masters or slaves and for the aware person, one is the same as the other because both groups are never happy. So the master tries to exploit the slave to become happier while the slave tries to get out of the slave slot and become a master. There are some cases in which the intellect and ego try so very hard to manipulate the people around them that a break occurs in the personality and an intense period of suffering begins. This condition is usually labeled schizophrenia but can also be looked at as a time of pay back for the karmic debt accrued by the person who was motivated by her intellect and ego.

Now the person who is labeled is totally cut off from relating to the world as she has in the past.The only cure for this condition is love. So you need to make someone else's happiness and well being more important than your own, and then the pain will start to be replaced by peace and joy as you learn to love without attachment.

I’d like to thank Katy at http://supermansammyz.blogspot.com/
for thinking of me and awarding me with the stylish blogger award. That’s sweet. Before I get into the seven things about myself, I would like to say a little something about my friend Katy. There are light workers in the world. People who stand high on the mountain and let their light shine as a guide and beacon to the rest of us. And then there are people like Katy who are light warriors, who go into the dark places of this world and shine their light where it is needed most and where few of us ever dare to go. And it is because of these light warriors that horrid conditions like cancer, will in the end, be overcome.

So now on to seven things about myself;

1. I milk cows for a living and talk to animals

2. I have had a religious experience.( although everyone I know calls it a break-down )

3. I tend to go out with guys who are idiots.

4. Where ever I go, I never fit in.

5. Have trouble making other people understand where I'm coming from.

6. Don't use a persons' gender to determine whether or not I will fall in love with them.

7. Am always confronting my fears instead of running away from them.

And now it is my pleasure to aware the stylish blogger aware to a close friend of mine at; http://pillowofthecommunity.blogspot.com/ This lovely lady uses her blogs as a vehicle to reach out to people and bring them into her heart. And once there, we get to experience the beauty of her soul in a way that stylish only begins to describe.

So Katy, thanks again for thinking of me and sharing your thoughts.

I have a blog where I started this story about my relationship with David. Here is the link if you want to get updated; http://beherenow-suzzy.blogspot.com/2010/08/we-were-young-when-we-met-we-were-both.html#comments

So after he left I didn’t hear from him for two years before he came to visit. There were lots of people around when we finally saw each other again but that didn’t matter much to me. We just made this incredible contact and both of us fell into the rabbit hole while the people around us started doing their best to distract us from merging with each other. But we had spent almost 15 years living in each others’ mind and we both missed going to that special place where the magic happens. I told him that I owed him a debt that I could never repay. But he already knew that. We both needed certain things from the world at that particular time, which were crucial to our survival, and coming together like that was something that came natural to us when we had to materialize what we needed from the world. Finally we both came to the surface and went our separate ways again. And then, within a week of that meeting, the materialization we both needed happened for of us.

So it’s been another three years of not seeing him or hearing from him when the other day I get a letter from him telling me he’s coming for a visit. I can’t help thinking that there is something that he needs my help in materializing. But I have lived unattached to the surface for so long since he left that the world has nothing to offer me at this point. Besides, I don’t think it’s a material thing that he’s after. I’m sure by this time he’s found out that he can’t sell himself to the world the way he wants with my love still there, deep down inside his being.

I told him before he left the first time that he was going to find himself in the same box he put me into by leaving, and I added that I hoped he had a better understanding of God, when that happened, or he would never get out. And so I imagine the box is closing in on him and he is looking for release from my love, or as he sees it now, my curse. But there is nothing I can do. He should never have tried to free himself by using me as a stepping stone. At the time he was thinking it would be such a traumatic time for me that I would be more of a victim to what happened than a witness.

But now the time has come for me to pick up the sword of truth. and with heavy heart, drive it home.

Whole lot of lovin

I bought this dog as a present and he is so cute that I videoed him before I wrapped him up.