Materializing Desires

Well enough said about bad dates for now.  These last few posts are begging the question,"why do these horrid circumstances come into my life when all I want is to find someone who will return my love."  I think this question can apply to all of us who gaze on our own circumstances and wonder, WTF happened.  Basically there are two reasons for our lives to turn out less rewarding and meaningful than we had hoped.

  The first reason happens because our desires are low level.  By low level I mean we are attempting to materialize thoughts which are out of harmony with the virtues of love, freedom, truth, justice, etc.  When we come to understand that the desire to make money at any cost, for example, will eventually lead us to suffering, then we can elevate our thinking to desire the things we need which will enable us to proceed down the path of enlightenment.  When you get to the point in your life where the drama of your existence appears to you as a loss of all material possessions and even your physical life, and your only desire is to do the right thing, then you have mastered this first hurdle toward overcoming the pain of this world.

  The next hurdle is even harder to master.  The other way we bring pain and suffering into our world is through our relationship with other people.  We give them our consent to materialize what they want in our life for whatever reasons.  Like for example at our job, where we have to open up to the boss in order to keep working and keep earning money to pay our bills.  But what I'm saying here is when told to do a task which you know in your heart is not right for you, then you must refuse, even if it means losing your job.  If you do what you know is wrong because you are afraid of getting fired, then circumstances will develop in your life to cause pain and suffering.  If you do right in spite of the bad consequences your intellect is forecasting, then circumstances will configure to bring about peace and harmony in your life.  Sounds simple and easy.  Then why are there so few people alive who are living their lives by what they think is right?

Keeping the world at Bay

 So I thought that after spending all my life in a school classroom listening to somebody up front filling my head with things I needed to know, I would graduate and the world would welcome me back with open arms.  Not true.  The world still didn't give a damn about me.  So here I am in this go nowhere, low level job at a chick hatchery scrapping chicken shit off of the incubator trays where they were hatched from.  Fortunately I can maintain a pretty high level of conscious awareness no matter what kind of situation I find myself in.  But my fellow workers aren't so gifted.  They usually spend their time in this washroom on a bummer that doesn't quit.  And they are always very verbal about how badly they are feeling.  Sometimes I take pity on them and try to raise their conscious awareness level by telling them how fortunate they are to be engaged in such high priority essential work.  After awhile I get them to smile and feel better about scrapping chicken droppings off the trays until the boss comes in and yells at us to make himself feel more important at our expense.  And then everybody falls back into their bummer, mentality, except me.

  The boss knows he can't get to me but he just can't figure out why I'm not afraid of him.  You would think that this would get him angry, but nooo.  The fact that he can't get to me only makes him like me even more and want to get into my pants if at all possible.  This happens to me alot when I stand up to men, it brings out the lust in them.  Now I don't do this as part of a sex game.  I genuinely keep them out of my mind because I know that once a control freak enters your mind, the next step is to get into your jeans. 

 But it's break time and as I enter the break room I see this new employee sitting on the floor reading a book called,"Autobiography of a Yogi,"  Even though everyone in the room is sitting at a table, I sit down next to him on the floor and tell him that I read that entire book from cover to cover.  We really do seem to have a spiritual link so he asks if he can see me sometime after work.  I'm still a little gun shy about dating men but I feel he's not a control freak or sex fiend so I figure, how bad can it be.

  So I show up at the appointed time in an agreed upon bar.  Kent, my new friend,  has started drinking without me and it seems he's already half in the bag by the time I sit down.  As I nurse my first beer, he keeps downing more beers until I can sense this is not going to have a happily ever after ending.  So I decide it's time for me to leave but as I stand up to go he gets really upset.  He starts yelling and calling me names which I'm kinda used to by now, but what really blind sided me was the amount of psychic emotional energy he was able to assault me with.  My mind reeled and fell back into itself, deeper and deeper into my being to escape this psychic on slot.  Finally my Sue personality fell away and I was pure light at the core of my being.  The darkness, which is the absence of light, disappeared as my inner light reached the surface to find Kent being manhandled by two big guys who must be workers at the bar.  They finally got Kent out the door and threw him onto the sidewalk.

  I went out and helped him up while he kept apologizing to me for being such a jerk in the bar.  I drove him home but didn't go in.  It was a few days later that I found out he had some kind of mental illness which gets triggered when he drinks.  Whatever it was that came at me that day in the bar was one mean, powerful entity.  I hadn't experienced anything like it since the last time I entered my step dad's mind.  His mind is very powerful also, but it isn't evil like the thing that came out of Kent, it's what I call enlightened.

 

Going out on a double date

 I know I really shouldn't give in to the pressure my girl friend puts on me to go out with her and her boy friend on a double date.  She said I could use a little male attention.  We were going to go out to eat at a restaurant and see what developed after.  I never know what to wear because I'm hardly ever out of jeans and a T-shirt or Sweat-shirt.  But tonight I find myself in a skirt and blouse, a bra (so my tits will be pointy and attract attention) and panty hose.  It's been a long time since I looked like this and it feels strange.

 But I guess when you're a girl you have to at least try to make yourself look pretty.  Which is pretty hard for me.  My girl friend Mary, her almost engaged boy friend, and my date, pick me up in front of the house as I run to the car.  Oh I forgot to mention I have on these weird shoes with heels that make it hard to walk and impossible to run.  I do manage to get to the car, however, and just about topple in on top of my date in the back seat.  As we untangle ourselves, I can feel his hand up my skirt as he extricates my body from his.  Great start. 



  He tells me his name is Brad and that I look lovely as I try to pull my skirt down to where my panties don't show.  I tell him that it is nice to meet him, which is the biggest lie I've told in a long time.  Mary looks over at us from the front seat and tells me that I clean up real nice.  I give her a phony smile and tell her how beautiful she looks tonight.  She giggles because she knows I'm just pulling her chain. 



   Then Brad attempts to engage me in small talk on the way to the restaurant.  He wants to know the usual stuff.  Have I ever been married?  Do I have a steady boy friend now?  Do I have any kids?  I tell him no to all the above but don't ask him anything because I just don't care about the women in his life.  I know I should be more friendly but I feel very vulnerable with a skirt on and feel like I need distance between us in order to feel comfortable.  I guess feeling vulnerable is also part of the female trip. 



 We get to the restaurant and even have a few drinks and everyone is hoping that I will relax and go with the flow.  After the meal, Mary's boy friend invites us over to his place for a few more drinks.  I knew this was coming because Mary and her friend are looking like they want to jump into each other pants.  We arrive at Joe's apartment (Joe is Mary's boy friend) and before you can say, "let's make out", Mary and Joe have escaped to Joe’s bedroom, leaving me and Brad on the couch watching television. 



  I admit that I have been called frigid but I don't let that bother me.  I just don't like to touch people who I really don't know and I don't like them to touch me either.  I've already let perfect strangers paw and grab and grope me.  Call me frigid or whatever, but it just doesn't turn me on.  I like to know and like the person who is going to take off my blouse and have his way with me.  I also like to know that I can let the other person know how far I want to go and he would respect my wishes.  Brad was your typical,"lets' go all the way" kind of guy.  But unfortunately for Brad, even though I had on a skirt, I was still stronger than he was from doing all the heavy work I do everyday on the farm.  So I pushed him off of me onto the floor and told him I could probably rape him easier than he could rape me so maybe we'd better do something else.   Of course he got pissed and started yelling at me until Mary and Joe came out of the bedroom in various stages of undress.   They calmed Brad down and thought it best if they drove me home.

   As I stepped out of the car in front of my house, I winked at Mary and said, "Well I guess that went well."

grosbeak

Willing Victim cont.

After hanging up the phone I knew I had to make my move right away before I lost my courage. So I left my biological dad’ in Massachusetts and with a backpack full of all my belongings I started walking down the road. I really didn’t feel I could go back to the farm in Pennsylvania with everyone thinking I was crazy. My step dad knew where I was coming from but you can never just go and physically be with him. In order to reach him, you have to expand your consciousness to his level. And that was exactly what I planned to do or die trying. So I started hitch-hiking to up state New York which is about 300 miles from where I was standing at the moment. I had heard there were lots of apple orchards there and I felt it wouldn’t be hard to get a job picking fruit. After all I was carrying around this official crazy label now so chances are I wasn’t going to make it big in the corporate world. Besides I had done some fruit picking and really liked the purity of the job. You just get paid for the amount of fruit you picked, no fancy resume required.

So I started hitch-hiking and got a ride right away. But by this time it was getting late and the driver asked if I had a place to stay for the night. I told him I had a tent which I could pitch just about anywhere. But he insisted I come home with him and eat something and then he would take me to a beautiful beach where I could pitch my tent. Of course I was scared, but figured my life was in the hands of God at this point so I agreed. So true to his word I found myself in his house, just me and him, eating a meal. I wasn’t really afraid of him or what he might do to me. I’m really good at picking up where people are at and he was just a normal guy. But to my surprise, I found myself very upset because I was lost. I didn’t know how to get back to the main highway and it was freaking me out. I really couldn’t tell if this guy was going to bring me back to the highway again. But he did bring me to the beach as promised, and it was a beautiful site to pitch my tent. I finally got rid of my fear of being lost by realizing my destination of picking fruit was pretty flimsy at best, so I decided I would rethink my destination in the morning if he didn’t show up and bring me to where I could continue my trip.

He did show up the next morning and took me to the entrance of the toll road I needed to take in order to get to the orchards I was traveling to. Unfortunately, they didn’t allow hitch-hikers on the toll road so I had to try to hitch a ride in front of the toll booth where people had to pay to enter this highway. I was standing in back of a sign where someone had spray painted the words,” No rides out of hell hole.” At first I thought it was amusing but after about 5 hours of thumbing, with night time setting in, I understood exactly what the author of this message was telling me. I found some bushes near by and pitched my tent and hoped for better luck in the morning.

But the next day was the same. No ride after another 5 or 6 hours. Finally I snapped and started hitch-hiking in the opposite direction with absolutely no idea as to where I was going. Now I figured this is insanity taking me over again and driving me over the edge into the abyss. Then a truck stopped and I got in and the driver asked me where I was going. That was the most difficult question anyone has ever asked me up to this point. He could see I was having trouble answering him so he told me he was going on the toll road but in the opposite direction that I was trying to go in. So I asked him if he could just get me past the toll booths so I could start hitching from the highway itself. He said sure and after paying his toll, he dropped me off on the road and I crossed over to the other side to continue my journey to find God. If a police car happened by, I would be picked up and made to pay a fine, but instead a car stopped and picked me up and brought me all the way to where I wanted to be,

Willing Victim

I started posting this story and have added to it since. So I guess I'll just keep it going for awhile;



A Willing Victim


I live and work on this dairy farm with my mom and step dad. Mostly my step dad is more a guru to me than a parent and over the years we have attained a high level of conscious awareness together. My biological father, however, is having his mental problems and mostly I go and live with him to help him out mentally as well as do a little work on the horse farm he owns.

This winter my bio father and I got into an argument and I left the ranch and found an apartment and started doing some part time work at McDonalds to make ends meet. Now I'm a very spiritual person and spend a lot of time meditating. Even at the best of times I don't have a lot of attachment to the material world or what most people call the real world. Then one day I found I couldn't break my" trance like" meditative state and was unable to interact with the reality that used to be me. I could view my real world as though I was looking through a thick distorted glass, but I couldn't make contact with it. Now I was able to overcome my fear of death and stay calm but I felt I was trapped on this astral plane type of existence which made me feel very isolated.

Then I became aware of another presence and when it touched my mind I knew it to be my step dad. He was able to leave the material plane and find me here in never never land. He told me that what was happening to me usually happened to someone just before the soul left the illusion of personality and body behind and reincarnated. He thought in my case I would eventually gain control of my body again without going through the messy process of death. In the meantime he explained that my soul was running my body for the purpose of healing my dad which is what I came here to do. In a sense I was a willing victim. And through his mind I could see what was happening to my body on my material plane of existence.

It seems my bio father and his wife decided that I needed psychiatric help and got a lawyer who got a judge to sign a paper allowing my father to come and take me to the funny farm with the help of two policemen. For about a week he showed up at my apartment with the two policemen to drag me away to a mental health facility. But I was never there at the same time the police were, and I was able to elude being captured for awhile.

But eventually I was caught and taken away to the funny farm. I spent a couple of weeks there before they let me go into the loving care of my bio-father. He kept me there as his pet until one day my bio father called.
The telephone rings. I pick it up to discover my step-dad is on the other end.

"Hi sweetheart," I heard his darling voice say over the phone.

"Hi Dad," I replied. "I'm amazed you got me. I feel like I'm in solitary confinement here---no calls and no visitors."

"Well, your father is making a big deal of this situation. He's told your mother that in order to relate to you she has to leave me and come live in Massachusetts."

"What a shit head he can be."

"Nevertheless," my dad continued, “you have to get yourself out of there to stop your mother's pain and shift it onto the people who put this shit sandwich together. I would come and get you myself, but that would give the impression that I'm snatching you away, and this stupid game will start all over again. Best if you walk out the door, stick out your thumb and trust in God.”

“I’m ready for the exit out of here by any means,” I exclaimed.

“That’s good, because there will probably be a lot of resistance to overcome.”

“OK Dad, I’m out of here." I said with as much conviction as I could muster.

Schizophrenia

Schizophrenia

This is a scary word for most people. It means a break with reality. But basically I've found, it's a label put on people who break from their intellect or ego. I find it interesting that everyone believes in schizophrenia but very few really believe in enlightenment. Both are a break from the reality of the intellect and ego but with enlightenment one finds peace and joy from the break while in schizophrenia, one finds confusion and resentment.

So what about the people who don't break from their intellect and ego. Well here's where we have a problem because these people always end up as either masters or slaves and for the aware person, one is the same as the other because both groups are never happy. So the master tries to exploit the slave to become happier while the slave tries to get out of the slave slot and become a master. There are some cases in which the intellect and ego try so very hard to manipulate the people around them that a break occurs in the personality and an intense period of suffering begins. This condition is usually labeled schizophrenia but can also be looked at as a time of pay back for the karmic debt accrued by the person who was motivated by her intellect and ego.

Now the person who is labeled is totally cut off from relating to the world as she has in the past.The only cure for this condition is love. So you need to make someone else's happiness and well being more important than your own, and then the pain will start to be replaced by peace and joy as you learn to love without attachment.